Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands.
‘Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
And save me from this road I’m on
“Jesus, take the wheel”

– A powerful song by Carrie Underwood

__________

This road is dark and twisty. My view is obstructed by this thick fog, so I drive slowly. I don’t realize I’ve run over a large bump in the road till I feel it under me or that I’ve run over a pothole till it blows out my tires, twice now that’s happened. I’ve scraped the sides of my car against the sharp rocky cliff on my left but stayed careful not to fall off the steep edge on my right into the vast ocean. I can’t see the ocean, but I can smell the fresh ocean breeze and hear the crashing waves. I keep going, praying I find my way out of this abysmal road. And there it is – I see the light. I approach the light with my beat-up car only to find myself on dessert land with no paved roads and no end in sight. But for a moment, I smile because I could see a little blue sky peeking through the dark gray clouds. But what do I do now? Where do I go? Do I keep driving forward? Left? Right? Do I turn back onto that narrow road? How long was I even on that road, and how did I get there in the first place? 

Should I take my chances going back to the dangerous but familiar road or keep moving forward into the unknown desert? 

________

The funny thing about memory is that it is not always reliable when it comes to storytelling. How I experienced a particular event may be completely different from how other people experienced that same event. And we may remember the same event differently based on how it made us feel. 

As we age, wisdom and life experiences may bring more parts of that memory to light that could completely change the feeling of that event. Something that once was traumatic is suddenly a funny story. Or something we thought was funny as a kid, we realize how wrong and disgraceful that event was. 

The story above is how I’ve pictured my mom’s “road to life.” For a period in time, she found herself in bad situations, lived life on the edge, and the moment she would step onto safe but unfamiliar ground, you guessed it – she would go back onto that narrow road. Why? 

I spent my early adult years analyzing my life and how my parents’ actions and decisions affected me. I dove into self-help books, explored different churches in hopes of some kind of epiphany, and ended up with a bachelor’s degree in psychology instead of pharmacy like I originally planned on. 

More than a decade later, my mom and I have been able to openly talk about our past, how we each experienced certain events, and resolve many conflicts. After years of learning about each other, I was gifted the POWER OF PERSPECTIVE, which has allowed us to move on and into a place where we can finally grow. You can describe our time together as more of a sister, best friend relationship than your average mother-daughter relationship. 

In reference to that famous saying,

“Share from your scars, not your wounds” – origins unknown

A scar is visible evidence from an injury that has been healed. We can’t see emotional scars, but our testimonies are a source of evidence that the injury or conflict occurred, and the way we have grown from it is evidence that it has been healed. Furthermore, some holistic and integrative health providers would argue that chronic inflammation, or “fire inside me” is also evidence of emotional trauma. 

My mom would agree with me that it has been freeing to share how we felt during the same events, fill in the holes of my memories of things I didn’t understand as a child, and simply learn about what we experienced during that phase in our life. While I was struggling with being disciplined by my aunt and my dad, my mom was serving food in confinement. While I was navigating my feelings for teenage boys, she was up to no good with her boyfriend.

It’s important to talk about our past with an open mind and heart to gain perspective and with the INTENTION of forgiveness. We didn’t criticize each other’s choices or actions, we analyzed the situation without judgment, we listened and sympathized. 

The power of perspective is what allowed me to forgive. As a child and as a teenager, there was probably no way I could have understood this at the time. Our brains are just not developed enough to think outside of our own needs for the most part. 

As a young adult, I had the option to disregard my relationship with my parents. My dad was remarried with his own family and new baby. My mom was in a place where she was getting past that dark phase in her life – (moving into the vast unknown desert). I was living on my own, working and going to college. We all had our own lives. I figured I didn’t need my parents anymore, after all, I felt like they weren’t present while I was growing up, right?

I was so wrong.

Looking back, I have to acknowledge that they did the best they could given the situation. My mom still frequently wrote me letters. My dad, well.. what else would you do with a rebellious teenage girl as a single dad? He would defer some things to my aunt and grandma – whom at the time, I didn’t give enough appreciation to either.. The fact is, new perspectives made me realize they all did their best and I wouldnt be who I am today without them.

Then as a young adult, my parents continued to make efforts to hold on to me, still visit them, and have conversations with them on the phone. I could’ve been more resentful to them. And trust me, there were many moments I resisted their efforts. But I’m glad I kept going. I’m proud I took the risk of giving them a “second chance.” Because if I didn’t learn to forgive, I would’ve never had this opportunity of the unique and special relationship I now have with my parents.

I must add, the journey is not complete. We are both unsure if there will ever be a complete resolution to such big feelings and potentially suppressed memories. Life sometimes reminds us of something that happened that still brings us anxiety and tears. It is a constant work in progress to be in pursuit of forgiveness and healing from the trauma.  

MORAL OF THE STORY: Confront your memories. What is really holding you back from a thriving relationship?  Some relationships are worth working on – marriage, with your parents, with your kids, etc. Once things get hard (or it’s been hard for decades), don’t give up without deep introspection. You could be missing out on what could have been.  

Questions to ask yourself… 

– Why did God or the universe put this person in my life? 

– What purpose do they serve, and have they fulfilled it?

– What are the benefits of this relationship if I find a way to make this work?

– Would other people (siblings, children) close to you be affected by your decision to work this out or not?

– Have you truly considered their side of the story, their cultural perspective, their upbringing?

– *Understand the difference between ACCEPTING who they are and SETTLING

It took me years to analyze this, so give yourself grace and time. Forgiving someone else and especially forgiving yourself is not something that happens over night. 

Subscribe and follow my journey to see how I approached these questions and chose to forgive. 

______

After going back and forth between the dark narrow road and the first steps onto desert land, I finally decide to keep moving forward into the unknown. Even though I may get lost, I don’t want to go back. The narrow road was dark and foggy, I couldn’t see 10 steps ahead of me. At least on the desert, I can see the horizon. I can see where the tops of the cliffs meet the dark clouds. There has to be someone else out here. “Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands.‘Cause I can’t do this on my own.”

Seeking help is a step in the right direction. Seeking help means a part of you has HOPE.